The deep shadow by Angelo DiLullo

 The deep shadow

"We do a lot of shadow work in this awakening endeavour before awakening and certainly after. As we deepen, we encounter parts of ourselves, we did not know were there: difficult, painful, aspects of our psyche, our heart, mind, and emotions. This can be disorienting, it can be painful, there can be a lot of resistance.

But at some point you will come across this deep shadow space for lack of a better way of saying it. Some associated experiences with that are rage, hatred, existential terror . This existential terror is far more fundamental than that, far more fundamental than any emotion or psychological construct or sense of cognitive or memory sensed self. It is a very primal urge to survive that feels like it is being overturned, dismantled. It is existential terror.

It is a place of no hope, where no management is left, no escape, no solace, no escape, no oasis, no ability to imagine a better place of future - a sort of infinite blackness, infinite loss, infinite grief.

Up until this point you have coping mechanisms: ways of working with the shadow, ways of working with the emotion body, ways of holding yourself, these emotions, these energies that have been lost for so long, loving the lost children, parenting yourself… And these are all extremely valuable, acts of compassion but you will come to the end where those won’t work for yourself anymore. This is the deep shadow space. There is no hope here.

So, why would you want to go here? You can’t want to go here but you’ll find yourself here at some point. It is too complete to tell yourself out of it. It has tremendous value, but you won’t be able to reframe it in your mind…The value itself is the experience itself. The absolute stillness. The absolute lack of volition, hope, meaning, purpose. This is the source from which we drink.

This deep shadow space may enter because of circumstances: grief in the relative, the loss of a loved one, loss of your own health, or it may not have anything to do with the external circumstances. You may just find yourself here. By this time, you have the insight that this is exactly where you must go. There is a knowing that this is the way through, fully in, with no hope of escape and it is ok. It is part of the deal.

I can’t help you here. I can’t point a way here because there is no way here. But I can tell you it is ok. Your work is done here…nothing in your hands anymore."